Thursday, February 24, 2011

This is a true story. I wouldn't lie.

Does everyone here know that I have an ant problem? If not, I have an ant problem. Two days after moving into our house I found a bunch of gross, crawly, want-to-make-you-die-you-hate-them-so-much ants. Over the past little while I have been finding out new ways that they are getting in. First it was from under the sink. Then, through the window seal. Then a baseboard in my breakfast nook. Then...well you get the idea. I am happy to say that I have not seen an ant (inside, I recently sprayed a bunch outside) in about a week. *knock on wood

Moral of the story: I HATE ants.

My boss has a three year old boy. Boys like bugs. This means that he now has pet bugs. Guess who gets to feed, water, and take care of the pet bugs? You guess right: me. I'm so excited. Can you sense the sarcasm? The ladybugs were easy and I actually didn't even have to touch them. My boss just poured them into their cage thingy and they turned into ladybugs without any hassle. Now, I just have to drop raisins in their cage and droplets of water every once in a while.

Another bug he has is caterpillars, well now butterflies. Oh. My. Gosh. Don't ever get your kid pet butterflies because they are high maintenance little buggers. First you have scoop food into a little cup, place the caterpillar in there, then put on a lid. After about a week the things have made their cocoons and are ready to be safety pinned to the side of the net. (the cocoons are attached to the lids. I don't actually put a safety pin through the cocoon.) Finally, once they have become butterflies you have to feed them with fruit and flowers (mums or carnations to be exact) and give them sugary water. Also you have to tell the three year old about a hundred times "No, don't grab their legs like that it hurts them."

Reality of the situation, ladybugs and butterflies aren't that bad. They are kind of cute and it's kind of cool. Still, I will never get my kid a pet bug. It's icky.

Today, my being ok with the pet bug changed. Today, the ants were delivered. When I knew there was going to be ants I set aside my feelings of wanting to kill every ant I see, inside or not, for a cute three year old boy who could be interested in seeing ants crawl and tunnel. I said to myself that I would not have to see them crawling all over my JUST CLEANED dishes or in my JUST PURCHASED sugar. Still, I was not excited about having to take care of a bunch of ants. I would rather them die.

At this point I would like to throw in a "For the record..."

FOR THE RECORD: I am a nice person. I love animals, probably to a point where it's weird. I never want to see an animal, insect, or arachnid die. I even apologize to spiders before I kill them. Afterwords, I kind of feel bad and hope they don't have any family or that they don't have a big enough brain to know when a family member is missing. But, the ants have crossed a line. If you ever get ants you will understand.

Like I was saying...*clearing of the throat* the ants arrived today. I shuttered as my boss told me that I needed to set them up. I have been dreading this day for about two weeks. Every time I saw the empty ant hill I would sigh because I knew I would have to set it up eventually. I also secretly hoped that the ants would never come.

I realized, though, that it was time and it would be better to get it over with. With any pet, including a pet bug, you need to read how to take care of them. Surprisingly enough ants are really easy to take care of. All you have to do, after pouring in the sand-not so easy, is put in a couple drops of water and a piece of fruit the size of a popcorn kernel into the habitat every three days. EASY. I was kind of relieved as I read that it wouldn't take much effort at all. Hooray, for easy ants. Then I read how to get the ants into the habitat. First thing I see is this...word for word...

"CAUTION! DO NOT TOUCH THESE ANTS. They are for observation only. The harvester ant can inflict a painful sting that normally causes local swelling and itching. IF you are stung apply ice to the area until the pain subsides. If symptoms persist see your physician.

"Put ants in refridgerator for 10 minutes to calm there activity. DO NOT PUT THEM IN THE FREEZER THIS WILL KILL THEM." You can imagine my temptation at this point to put them in the freezer.

"Shake the ants to one side of the tube before pouring into habitat. Pour ants quickly into habitat. Close the lid instantly so they can't get out.

"If they escape, DO NOT TOUCH THEM."

I am so F*@!#$% excited my boss feels the need to have pet ants.


Toni said...

I hate ants too! When we lived in California, we would get ant infestations. It was so disturbing. I've hated them ever since.

Jeigh said...

Ooh, I hate ants, too! Recently they've started swarming the kids' toothpaste, which the kids can't seem to keep cleaned off. Ugh.

Favorite line: hoping spiders don't have big enough brains to realize when a family member is missing. Haha!

Erin said...

good piece of writing, Luanne! I heard that ants won't cross a chalk line, so if I were you, when you get ready to dump them into the cage, I would draw a circle around it in the chalk. Then if they do escape, you have the assurance of knowing that they aren't crawling on you.
We had ants in our apartment in Oregon. Ugh! I feel your pain. Get a lizard. Then set him up a nice cozy spot next to where they are getting in. He'll be the fattest lizard on the block.

Sarah*MK said...

omg! I'll pass on a tip I learned, when you have a problem like that, spray inside first...drives them outside. If you spray outside first it drives any stuck under your house or in your walls inside. Inside first then outside. Ants are AWFUL!

Sarah said...

Oh, my gosh! I hate ants. They are evil. And gross. And I declared war on them years ago. Cornmeal spread around their favorite spots worked one year at our house and didn't work another year, but it might be worth a try.

Also, great story! I never want an ant farm now, or a butterfly kit (which I was thinking about the other day). Thanks for the warning.