Monday, March 2, 2009

Understanding Myself

Ever since I can remember I have always tried to figure out other people. I try to figure it out instantly so that I can know whether or not I'm going to get along with them. I hate wasting my time of hanging out with someone that I don't even like or have nothing in common with. I would rather have fun and be able to laugh.
Michael was someone that I didn't have figured out all the way at first and, surprise surprise, I'm still figuring him out! But there was something inside of me that made me want to spend every minute of my life with him. I've always had fun when I am with him. He always manages to make me laugh harder than any other person I know and seems to understand me in a way that only a husband can. Even though that second part has come later the making me laugh thing always kept me interested.
Lately I've been trying extra hard to figure Michael out. I've managed to find out, over the last almost 3 years, what makes him tick...for the most part. I know his likes and dislikes. I know what makes him laugh, cry, get angry, get frustrated, all that junk of stuff. But I'm still trying to really get to know him. I think I want to know him like a couple knows each other after 50 years of marriage. But I've realized that I won't know him like that until another 48 years from now. Through all of this figuring of Michael out I've been able to stop and realize that I don't know much about myself. What is Luanne like? What kind of music does Luanne like? What is her favorite movie. Also, I've always wondered what makes me mad or sad. Then the reality of all this hit me, I didn't know. It seemed like every thing just made me mad and the only other emotion was happy. The happy part hardly ever showed itself and is still trying to call for some more time on the field. But I've learned that there are other emotions out there. For instance there is sad, embarrassed, hurt, frustrated, content, and some other ones that I'm still discovering.
Through this discovery of new emotions I've learned to use them. So even though I'm not always happy I'm sometimes sad or hurt or even frustrated. Because I'm recognizing this in myself I'm becoming a better person. Now I don't lash out in anger about everything that makes me not happy. When I'm feeling feelings of sorrow or empathy I just feel those and no thoughts of anger even cross my mind. Now, poor Michael, can actual joke around with me about the weird things that I do with out me getting upset at him. I can say to myself, "hey Michael is making fun of me to have a laugh. It's ok to be embarrassed but laugh along with him."
Another thing that has benefited from understanding myself is it helps me understand Michael better. So when something happens to Michael and I, I can recognize that I'm feeling upset and understand more of what Michael is feeling.
It's so exhilerating (wow the computer says I spelt that right) to know this new side of me. I hope that those around me can see that I am getting to know myself better and it's making me more CONTENT..yes new emotion.
So maybe I still can't say what my favorite movie or favorite type of music is. But what I can say is that I know where my emotions are coming from and how to react to them.


Suzi Hardy said...

ahh Luanne, I am very touched by this entry. It is not always an easy thing to want to look deeply at ourselves and see the good, the bad, and the is easier to just decide that we are what we are and not want to change anything. You are bravely and faithfully confronting yourself and saying, "I want to be what the Lord wants me to be" and in doing so you inspire me. Thank you. I love you deeply.

Jeigh said...

Mom said it so well. I wanted to comment on this, too, but I couldn't think of how to say it. So, amen to what Mom said, and I'm so proud of you. I love you!