Sunday, March 14, 2010

#12: A Journal Entry

Today I was able to make it to work and able to make it to church. I know that my paycheck will hurt and therefore we won't be able to pay some bills but I'm happy that it was slow enough at work that I got to go home. Especially since I was able to have this experience.

While I was waiting for the Sr. Primary to make their way upstairs to singing time I heard the spirit tell me to read an old journal entry. I didn't have one in mind but I instantly opened up to one that I needed to read. It's something I had forgotten but is really important in my life so I'm going to share it with you.

First some background info:
I have a friend who was going through a hard time. She was feeling really depressed and was having a really hard time with comparing herself against others. Whenever I am trying to help a friend I often write fake letters to them so I can clear my mind. I always write them in my journal so I can refer back. This is the letter I wrote to my friend:

"I just want to know that I love you. I know you struggle with feeling good about your accomplishments. I've been thinking a lot about those things you've said to me and I've pondered about those same feelings I once had. Here's a little story:
The other day I was driving home from work. My thoughts were being gathered and I was starting to leave work behind me. As you know, I've been having to defend my faith, my standards, and my marriage to an idiot I work with. I was trying to leave him at work when I started to realize how much of what he said didn't even affect me. I couldn't remember any time in my life when I could let someone else's words just role off my back. I started to wonder and dig deeper of why this didn't affect me. I soon realized that I had confidence in myself. I know my standards. I know who my Heavenly Father is. I know what my goals in life are. So, what someone else thinks doesn't even matter. I want to re-emphasize the fact that this it the first time in my life I have ever been so confident. I don't care that I'm not the best. I don't care that my talents are USELESS. I don't care. I care that I have a testimony of the true church. I care that I have a marriage that has been sealed by a true priesthood and under the proper authority. Mostly, I care for my goals and I know they are righteous goals. Since I know they are righteous. I know that Heavenly Father will help me reach those goals.
I know you struggle with depression and being confident- you have since before I knew you. I know I used to struggle with that and I know I don't now. So I'm going to share with you what I have done. You can take my advice or you can ignore me and think this is a waste of your time.
I have had to rely 100% on the Lord. I've never done that. I never saw a reason to do that and I really didn't ever want to be in that situation. But, needless to say, I had to rely on him. I would read my scriptures, very closely, so I could be close to the spirit. I had to spend many hours in prayer so He could know my needs. Through that I heard Him loudly and in every action.
After months of relying 100% on Him to help me and to help me stand on my own two feet I realized that I am a wonderful, strong person. I am a daughter of God and because of that I am an amazing. In almost everything here on Earth someone will be better at it than me. But the only thing that matters is my relationship with my Heavenly Father. So even though I enjoy cooking and cleaning what I focus most of my energy on is my relationship with Him. Because of that, I am confident."

I'm glad that Heavenly Father had me read this today. It's nice to have a reminder of what I've learned. This, I feel, is especially important.

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